“What other questions do you have for me?”
I was sitting in the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor’s office after one of our many bi-weekly appointments. I had been referred to him by my regular OBGYN when she noticed that my baby’s growth had become restricted at around 20 weeks of pregnancy. Between the ultrasounds and blood draws involved in a “normal, healthy” pregnancy and all of the additional appointments for my now-at-risk pregnancy, information was swimming around me at a whirlwind pace. This appointment felt different though – this doctor felt different. Instead of rushing out of the room after giving me his update, he pulled up a chair and sat with me. Instead of giving me a high level summary in layman’s terms about what was going on with me medically, he pulled out a pen and paper and drew flow charts to help me understand the science behind my condition. Instead of asking me “DO you have any questions” – he asked “what other questions do you have for me?”
It’s a subtle but powerful shift – the former would have put the burden on me to say “yes, I do”, to ask for the opportunity to ask more questions. The latter came from a place of curiosity, of assuming I would have questions and reinforcing the doctor’s role as the individual uniquely positioned to add value. At a time with so much uncertainty, my doctor asking me a very common question in an open ended way took some of the emotional burden off of my shoulders and signaled to me that he was here TO answer my questions no matter how many there were or how long it would take.
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A few months later my son Max was born – 7 weeks early and with some growth/feeding challenges, but otherwise healthy. In the months that have passed, I have gained some much needed distance from a lot of the trauma baked into his birth, his stay in the NICU, and his transition home. One reality that lingers, though, is that Max continues to develop at his own pace. This is to be expected given how early he was born, but doesn’t get any easier. With each new developmental milestone – rolling, sitting, crawling, walking – we have a new reminder of Max’s delays and what caused them in the first place, his early birth.
What’s even harder to deal with than his delays is having to talk about his delays, especially with well-meaning loved ones inquiring after his health.
“Is Max just crawling up a storm these days?”
“Is Max walking yet? He’s about at that age!”
“Is Max eating solid foods? He must be a good eater!”
Any and every bodily function is apparently up for discussion. I’m grateful for the curiosity and interest, but every time I am asked one of those questions – a close-ended question with a yes or no answer – I am put into a position to acknowledge his deficits, comfort the concern of the person asking, and explain everything we’re doing to work on it to almost convince them that we’re on top of it.
“Is Max just crawling up a storm these days?” – no, he doesn’t crawl yet… he scoots on his butt which is actually super adorable. Some doctors even say that lots of babies skip crawling but we’re still trying to make it happen
“Is Max walking yet?” – he’s getting close! We’re in Physical Therapy twice a week to work on it and he’s getting fitted for ankle braces next week.
“Is Max eating solid foods? He must be a good eater!” – he is eating solid foods, but we’re taking things slow. He still has some swallowing sensitivity so our Feeding Therapist is guiding us through how to expose him to different foods and textures.
The more I hear these types of questions, the more I understand the value of asking open-ended questions – to new parents, yes, but to anyone in general.
Asking open ended questions gives the person answering the opportunity to decide what to share, and to set the tone for the conversation. It requires the person asking to stay curious instead of projecting their own expectations or assumptions onto the situation.
When we ask open-ended questions, we leave ourselves open to discovering new possibilities and allow ourselves to define our own truth.
In terms of parenting, all of this could be solved with the subtle reframe: “what is Max doing these days?”, or even better – “how is Max?” and “why do you think that is?”
Talking to new parents poses a powerful opportunity for us to practice asking open-ended questions, so we can translate that skill to conversations we have in every area of our lives.
More importantly, asking open-ended questions gives us the opportunity to empower others to make meaning for themselves; and it gives us the opportunity in turn to bear witness to that meaning further enhancing our own value.
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