Mask

Skincare is my happy place. 

I don’t think “the window to the soul” stops at just the eyes – to me, our entire face represents the barrier between internal and external, how we show up in the world. Which is why I love me a good face mask – and boy, have I tried them all. Doing a face mask is the ultimate act of skin-care-as-self-care for me because it requires time and intentionality. You have to do all of the right pre-mask steps (cleansing, toning), let it sit for the right amount of time, gently wash it off, and then conclude with the after care (moisturizing, then avoiding a mirror for the next hour or so until the redness goes away – hah!).

I try to do this face mask routine at least twice a week, but sometimes I get out of practice and a few weeks go by without so much as a cleanser to my face, let alone any thorough face-masking. That’s what has happened recently because, well, new baby at home. Duh. Any new parent can relate to the subtle chaos and discombobulation that accompanies having a newborn. I’m lucky if I remember to brush my teeth twice a day and my bed hasn’t been made in weeks. 

Maybe because the weather has been changing and my skin has been drier than usual, it finally dawned on me that it had been a while since I’ve done a face-mask so I started to mentally gear up for this sacred self-care ritual. Even just thinking of doing a face mask made me feel “more like myself”; it’s familiar! It’s something “Old Sophie”, aka pre-parent Sophie, did! It’s something that reminds me of my values of taking time for myself and indulging in beautiful, sensational experiences! … Did I mention that I am a Taurus?!

I didn’t get much farther though, because then fear started creeping in and my organic, non GMO, cruelty free beauty product bubble burst. What if I start the face mask but then get side-tracked with the baby and forget about it and burn my face off? Something as simple as a 10 minute face mask all of the sudden started to feel overwhelming and complicated; it dawned on me that even my skincare routine would never quite feel the same as it did before having a child to care for because his needs will forever come before my wants. 

By this point of my parenting journey, I am getting familiar with feeling out of control – remember, babies are the world’s greatest amplifiers and they trigger all of our existing issues. Control is definitely mine. However, this internal dialogue about my face mask sparked something new in me. Not only did it remind me how much less control over my life I have now (or at least the illusion of control), it also made me feel some grief. Grief for the independence, spontaneity,  and – yes – control that I have given up to make room for this miraculous, needy little boy named Max. 

Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t trade it back for the world. I gave it up willingly and would do it again, and got myself as mentally prepared as possible for the changes and compromises that accompany parenthood. But it turns out that it’s impossible to prepare for the tiny surprise triggers that lurk around corners or hide in skincare drawers. It’s impossible to prepare for the minute reminders of everything I gave up to make room for my child.

Turns out, there’s room for Max and room for grief too.