Feeling Mother

“Do you feel like a mommy yet?”

My mother-in-law has asked me this many times since I had my son, and I never really know how to answer this question. Sort of? Sometimes? I guess? 

My own mom loves to tell the story of the first time she really felt like a mother: she was sitting in my pediatrician’s office for the first time filling out the intake paperwork for my first newborn appointment, and she had to specify her “relationship to the patient”; it was the first time she identified herself as “mom”. 

During the week that I was hospitalized for pre-eclampsia and eventually an emergency c-section, I encountered dozens of nurses and doctors. Most of them just referred to me as “mama” when talking to me because I was one of countless patients they were caring for and it was easier than learning – or pronouncing – my name. “Sit up for me real quick, mama”; “Alright mama, we’re going to run your labs again”; “Hey mama, hold your arm out for me so I can take your blood pressure”. I liked the sound of it, but even though I was in the midst of going through very real physical experiences surrounding birth, I felt like I hadn’t earned that title yet. 

After Max was born and was admitted to the NICU, we had to announce ourselves and our relationship to the patient to the security guard in order to be allowed in. “This is Sophie Bloch, mother of Max Bloch, 235”. Even though I said that phrase hundreds of times over the 40 days he was hospitalized, it never quite rolled off my tongue. 

The first time I took Max to his pediatrician, I also had to fill out my relationship to the patient on his intake forms just like my mom did for me; my heart skipped a beat in that moment because I knew it had been meaningful to my mom and her story was coming full circle with Max and I, but that role still didn’t feel real yet.

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Today my friend invited me to a free workout class “for moms in the Jewish community” – that’s me! I counted! For the first time ever, I self-identified and opted-in as a mom; even if I didn’t know anyone else attending the class I would have at least one (okay, two) things in common with them: being Jewish, and being a mom.

After the workout class, I went by the hospital to drop off a package of premie-sized diapers that Max outgrew so they could be used for another tiny baby. As I walked into the elevator I was joined by two women who asked what floor I was going to. When I said “3rd floor please” I saw their faces light up; “oh! You too?!” I smiled and nodded, but then looked away as they carried on their conversation. I rushed ahead through the winding hallways, the muscle memory of the walk to the NICU kicking in. I arrived to the NICU waiting room and pressed the intercom to tell the security guard why I was there – “my son was in the NICU and I have some premie diapers we got from you guys that he outgrew that I’d like to give back to you if you’ll take them” – right as the two women walked in behind me. As they understood why I was there, their faces lit up again, and they started to ask me about Max and our NICU journey. I shared a little bit about our experience and, assuming they were there because of their own NICU baby, assured them that even though it’s grueling, time will pass and it will end one day – exactly what I had been told by so many others before me.

In that moment, I was the mom whose baby had been in the NICU – not the mom whose baby was in the NICU. 

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Feeling like a mom eeks in in fits and starts, like breastmilk slowly leaking through my bra and shirt or spit-up slowly running down Max’s chin. Like the sensation in the flesh surrounding my c-section scar, the feelings of motherhood are slowly revealing themselves as a new muscle memory sets in.

Leaky boobs

Dribbling spit up

Sour breath

Grunts and groans

Bobble-head thrown about

Sharp nails clawing

Surprisingly loud sneezes

Pee squirting 

Crusty nose 

Subtle involuntary sleepy smiles

The rise and fall of bellies and chests pressed together and even syncing up every once in a while. 

If this is what motherhood is, then I definitely feel it.